Bids for Connection
The number one motivator for all human behavior is a sense of belonging to the group even if the group is two or a group of virtual thousands. This is known as connection.
- a question (e.g., “How was your day?”),
- a gesture (e.g., reaching out to hold hands), é a facial expression (e.g., smile), or even
- a touch (e.g., hugging).
Turns for Bids
- Act in a responsive, interested, positive, and loving way.
- Physically: turn towards them, reach out, touch them, look at them. Nod, smile, wink.
- Verbally: Say “I hear you”, “I want to help you,” “I’m interested in you.” Ask a question.
- Actions: Change your behavior in response to their bid.
- Consequences: More bidding, More responding, relationship growth and trust development
- Act in a way that ignores them, or dismisses their bid. (extinction)
- Physically: stay neutral, wander away, or don’t look in their direction.
- Verbally: No response, or a response that has nothing to do with what they said.
- Actions: Continue what you are doing, without (seeming) to notice their bid.
- Consequences: Less bidding, increase conflict, hurt feelings, loss of confidence, relationshipends sooner rather than later
- Act in an angry way that rejects them and their bid.
- Physically: Walk away, glare at them, make threatening movements.
- Verbally: respond angrily, use sarcasm or put-downs.
- Actions: Do the opposite of what they have asked you to do
- Consequences: Less bidding, avoidance of conflict, hurt feelings, loss of confidence, relationship
A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. ends sooner rather than later