There are two kinds of marital conflict: solvable and unsolvable. Therefore, one must customize the coping mechanism to whether the conflict is at hand is solvable or not. 69% of conflicts fall into the perpetual problem’ category. Perpetual problems are underlying assumptions and issues which cannot be grounded and fixed situationally. Resolving major marital conflicts is not the essential component to happy marriages, many happy couples have not resolve their big issues. Since the perpetual issues are perpetual by definition, one must chose a partner whose differences you can live
and cope with [i.e. strategies and routines to deal with unbridgeable differences). Otherwise, the perpetual problems become obstacles, as instead of coping with the differences in the couple, the couple gets into a gridlock situation. With the gridlock, the four horsemen become more present, while humor and affection is on the decrease, and the couple begin living in parallel lives [read: the decline and death of the relationship].
Signs of gridlock include:
1. conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner;
2. you keep on talking about it, but make no headways;
3. you become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge;
4. when you discuss the topic, you feel more frustrated and hurt;
5. your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement or affection;
6. you become more unbudgeable over time, leading to mutual vilification during these
7. the vilification leads to being further rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in
your views and less willing to compromise;
8. eventually, you disengage from each other emotionally.
gridlocks happen as the couple‟s entrenchment at an unsolvable problem allows conflict to influence
more areas of their lives.
[yotuwp type=”playlist” id=”PLxKH8Iwrpo4dveQ0K2UkJBZ1oOu3ihhlL” ]