To my children,
Without you …
Our house would be clean and organized yet there would be no handprints on the glass to remind me of your littleness.
Our home would be quiet yet it would also be void of your giggles and play.
I would get a full night’s sleep yet there would be no crawling into my bed for morning snuggles.
I would have uninterrupted conversations yet no one singing “mama” beside me, asking for my focus and time. “Mama” is my favorite tune.
I could jam my music loud in the car yet I would have no one asking me life’s big questions from the back seat.
I would have long, hot showers yet no little bodies waiting at the door with a bold excitement as if they hadn’t seen me in years (as opposed to seconds).
I would have space to get ready and my stuff would stay put yet I would miss out on that feeling I feel watching you mimic me.
I may not be redirecting behaviors or navigating power struggles yet I also wouldn’t be teaching and guiding.
My heart would be complete yet not as full.
My heart would beat yet not as profoundly.
I did not lose myself in motherhood, I became more of myself.
And while days may bleed into one another and moments can feel bananas, this time is not lost on me.
For one day, I will search for signs of you around our home. And while time may have erased some of the evidence, I will be the keeper of our moments.
The moments where you were so small and wanted your mama to play with you, snuggle you, read to you, kiss your boo-boos, and just BE with you.
I pray that when it is I looking to you for your time and attention, you will be invested. And that you will reach for my hand and know, that with me, you are always home.
*** Ashley is a mama to three children; two boys and a daughter born to Heaven. She is an occupational therapist, parent educator, certified holistic lifestyle coach, and Chief Storyteller with Generation Mindful. Ashley is an education seekin’, acai-bowl lovin’, Sunday brunch-havin’, free-spirited mama.
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