Bids and Turns Cliff Notes

Bids for Connection

The number one motivator for all human behavior is a sense of belonging to the group even if the group is two or a group of virtual thousands. This is known as connection.

  • a question (e.g., “How was your day?”),
  • a gesture (e.g., reaching out to hold hands), é a facial expression (e.g., smile), or even
  • a touch (e.g., hugging).

Turns for Bids

Turn Toward

  • Act in a responsive, interested, positive, and loving way.
  • Physically: turn towards them, reach out, touch them, look at them. Nod, smile, wink.
  • Verbally: Say “I hear you”, “I want to help you,” “I’m interested in you.” Ask a question.
  • Actions: Change your behavior in response to their bid.
  • Consequences: More bidding, More responding, relationship growth and trust development

Turn Away

  • Act in a way that ignores them, or dismisses their bid. (extinction)
  • Physically: stay neutral, wander away, or don’t look in their direction.
  • Verbally: No response, or a response that has nothing to do with what they said.
  • Actions: Continue what you are doing, without (seeming) to notice their bid.
  • Consequences: Less bidding, increase conflict, hurt feelings, loss of confidence, relationshipends sooner rather than later

Turn Against

  • Act in an angry way that rejects them and their bid.
  • Physically: Walk away, glare at them, make threatening movements.
  • Verbally: respond angrily, use sarcasm or put-downs.
  • Actions: Do the opposite of what they have asked you to do
  • Consequences: Less bidding, avoidance of conflict, hurt feelings, loss of confidence, relationship
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