Polyamory Pregnancy: 5 Questions to Ask

Pregnancy in poly relationships (polyamorous) can be a time of great joy or a time of huge stress. Asking certain questions before and during the pregnancy are important. Displayed below are 5 key questions to ask during this important conversation.

Do you want children?

This question can start the conversation off to a good start. Some partners may not want or wish to have children or more children. It can also be a deal breaker or hard limit for some individuals especially in poly relationships.

What happens if one of us gets pregnant?

Just discussing the possible pregnancy plan means one or both of you have thought of the risks and rewards of the major life event. Even if the answer is, ” I do not know.”

What happens if one of our Metamours becomes pregnant?

In polyamory, Metamours are your partner’s partner. Try to put yourself in their shoes by imagining yourself as the primary in a relationship. Now examine your feelings as you imagine your nesting partner has impregnated someone else. What support would you need? How involved does your partner on being during this pregnancy? What if your metamour wants to terminate the pregnancy? There is a ton of feelings to unpack here.

How would you feel if I got pregnant by my other partner?

Pregnancy can happen to almost anyone with a vagina. What if you are the one to get pregnant? Think about how life would change for you and your relationships if you became pregnant. Bringing a child into this world will change everyones’ life. Responsibilities and priorites will change. How would those change for you?

Who has a role during and after the pregnancy in polyamory?

Depending on the Polycule, only the bio parents might take parental roles, or everyone might, or there may be an in between. Before discussing anything else, the bio parents need to decide if they are willing for others to have a parental role. Legally, other partners have only what rights and responsibilities the parents give them. So, if the bio parents are not willing to have other people take a parental role, that’s the way it is going to be. The only exception is when the bio parents are not cohabitating with each other, and one or both are cohabitating with other partners. It then turns into something similar as step parents. The US legal system only recognize the bio parents and they under cohabitating significant others (whether married or not) will take on a parental role.

New relationships that form from pregnancy in polyamory

Pregnancy and adding a child to the Polycule will definitely have an impact on all relationships involved in many ways. Pregnancy adds another relationship to the group even before the child is born. For Example, if three people are involved in a Polycule there are actually four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and the relationship between all three together.

A Polycule with four people has eleven relationships built in and so on and so forth. Some relationships may be minor and unnoticed most of the time, and they are all there and anyone of them may unexpectedly become important.

When someone in the relationship becomes pregnant there are all these existing relationships plus new relationships with the pregnancy itself. These develop from the reactions and feelings of each individual has towards the pregnancy. It is safe to say individuals can treat the pregnancy as if adding a new person to the Polycule. Include medical issues, hormonal mood swings, financial upheaval die to one person needing to leave their job at least temporarily near the end of the pregnancy (if the bio mom is employed), household disruption due to someone no longer being able to bend over, push a vaccum, or stand on their feet for long (If the bio mom is a big part of managing the home), frequent doctor visits, preparing your home for a new baby, and acquiring everything a baby needs.

The reality is the pregnancy becomes the center of life in any relationship. This change in focus changes a lot of factors. For example, attention and time are the two factors that impaired significantly with a new baby. It is a very different kind of NRE, and it will not hit everyone at once.

If you would like to know more about pregnancy and polyamory watch Therapist Nicki’s presentation from 2019’s Atlanta Poly Weekend panel here.

Learn more about Therapist Nicki here!

Teenagers and Self Esteem

Depression and Grief

Despite the brooding and the mood swings a teenagers’ self esteem is more fragile than you think.  There are a great many factors that can undermine a teenager’s ability to build their self confidence. For example, factors ranging from academic issues, poor social interaction and dealing with developing one’s own unique identity while trying to avoid the physical awkwardness that puberty brings.  The constant internal struggles they face on daily basis are for us, hopefully, a distant memory because we’ve forgotten what it was like to be their age.

Peers and Self Esteem

Their social circle has a great deal of influence in their lives with the approval and feedback from peers often validating how they feel about themselves, factors which they allow to determine their self esteem and self worth.  It’s incredible how much impact this can really have in the life of your teenager.  This is especially challenging because adolescents peers are not always known for their tact and empathy. Thus, this is why it’s of the utmost importance for your teenagers self esteem to be nurtured and reinforced from within the home.  This will strengthen them to deal with the pitfalls of life out there in the big wide world.  This can come from giving praise and attention from family members, in particular, parents.

It Starts at Home

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Family Self Esteem

Positive and nurturing reinforcement in the home is the first step to repairing your teenagers self esteem. Never underestimate the power of love. Just because your teenager knows that you love them doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t show it. However, such an approach acts as an effective hedge against the factors that erode your teenager’s self esteem.  While it is impossible to change the climate teenagers must face, your teenager’s self esteem will improve with various positive strategies designed to counteract the factors dragging them down.

Model the Change You Wish to See

Another effective tool in the building of your teenagers self esteem is to model good self esteem.  By setting an example of healthy self esteem and respect for yourself will instill the same values in your teenager.  Children learn by example, they tend to imitate what their parents do. This includes both the positive and the negative. However, being a good role model can often be the most powerful lesson of all because you teach by doing.  The next time you get upset, be mindful of your words and your actions. Additionally, be sure to keep an optimistic outlook on life. This outlook helps to create resilience. Your work, will influence how they will manage trials in their adult life.  Also, don’t forget that your children are always watching what you do.

Self Care Planner
Self Esteem Planner

Teamwork and Self Esteem

Allow your teenager to be a contributing member of your family.  Give jobs or chores to perform. Whether it’s the dishes or taking out the garbage, a job helps to cement their role within the family unit. Achieving a sense of belonging and importance is a vital building block in the building of their self esteem.

Conclusion

These are just a few tips that can help build up and strengthen your teenagers self esteem but if you’d like more information, sign up for or newsletter. Also, make an appointment with a coach or therapist.

Do You Struggle with Anger?

Anger Management

Anger is a normal part of the human emotional experience. However, sometimes how we manage our anger can be destructive. Most people learn how to deal with anger as a normal part of growing up based. Our parents model and teach us these tools. Unfortunately not all people, were modeled or taught healthy anger management tools. Without good emotional regulation tools, anger can become overwhelming.

Own Your Anger

The first important step in managing your emotions, is recognizing that you need some in the first place. This is often the hardest step in anger management recovery. Shame and guilt are negative feelings that are often associated with poor emotion management. It is important not to get caught up in these feelings. Shame can a huge barrier to anger recovery. Accepting personal responsibility and taking steps towards recovery is the best solution to preventing further pain.

Think carefully about your life.

  • Do you often shout at and hurt the ones you love the most?
  • Do your loved ones try to avoid you, maybe leaving the room whenever you enter or going to their bedrooms when you get in from work?
  • Have you had problems at work because you were unable to control your emotions?
  • Have you ever had the police involved in your anger management?

If any of these situations sound familiar, then the chances are that you do have an emotional regulation problem.

Quick And Dirty Tools

There are a number of techniques available which can help you to take control control your frustration. Emotion management can be as simple as acknowledging the problem and mastering some simple emotional regulation techniques. Some of these tools include counting until calm, squeezing ice in your fists and exercise. However, in more severe cases it will be necessary to attend therapy, hire an emotion coach, or attend psycho-educational workshops.

The Next Step Is Yours

Think carefully about your life. Do you often shout at and hurt the ones you love the most? Do your partner and/or children often try to avoid you, maybe leaving the room whenever you enter or going to their bedrooms when you get in from work?  Have you had problems at work, or worse still, with the police, because you allowed your anger to get the better of you?  If any of these situations sound familiar, then the chances are that you do have an anger problem and you need to address it for the sake of you and all those around you.

Anger is a normal part of the human emotional experience. However, sometimes how we manage our anger can be destructive. Most people learn how to deal with anger as a normal part of growing up based. Our parents model and teach us these tools. Unfortunately not all people, were modeled or taught healthy anger management tools. Without good emotional regulation tools, anger can become overwhelming. Angriness may be an issue in your everyday life if you let it be. Not only does it interrupt your work and play, but it may hurt you when you least anticipate it. Anger has an underhanded way of making itself known in the rarest of situations, and most you do not have any control over.