Polyamory Pregnancy: 5 Questions to Ask

Pregnancy in poly relationships (polyamorous) can be a time of great joy or a time of huge stress. Asking certain questions before and during the pregnancy are important. Displayed below are 5 key questions to ask during this important conversation.

Do you want children?

This question can start the conversation off to a good start. Some partners may not want or wish to have children or more children. It can also be a deal breaker or hard limit for some individuals especially in poly relationships.

What happens if one of us gets pregnant?

Just discussing the possible pregnancy plan means one or both of you have thought of the risks and rewards of the major life event. Even if the answer is, ” I do not know.”

What happens if one of our Metamours becomes pregnant?

In polyamory, Metamours are your partner’s partner. Try to put yourself in their shoes by imagining yourself as the primary in a relationship. Now examine your feelings as you imagine your nesting partner has impregnated someone else. What support would you need? How involved does your partner on being during this pregnancy? What if your metamour wants to terminate the pregnancy? There is a ton of feelings to unpack here.

How would you feel if I got pregnant by my other partner?

Pregnancy can happen to almost anyone with a vagina. What if you are the one to get pregnant? Think about how life would change for you and your relationships if you became pregnant. Bringing a child into this world will change everyones’ life. Responsibilities and priorites will change. How would those change for you?

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Who has a role during and after the pregnancy in polyamory?

Depending on the Polycule, only the bio parents might take parental roles, or everyone might, or there may be an in between. Before discussing anything else, the bio parents need to decide if they are willing for others to have a parental role. Legally, other partners have only what rights and responsibilities the parents give them. So, if the bio parents are not willing to have other people take a parental role, that’s the way it is going to be. The only exception is when the bio parents are not cohabitating with each other, and one or both are cohabitating with other partners. It then turns into something similar as step parents. The US legal system only recognize the bio parents and they under cohabitating significant others (whether married or not) will take on a parental role.

New relationships that form from pregnancy in polyamory

Pregnancy and adding a child to the Polycule will definitely have an impact on all relationships involved in many ways. Pregnancy adds another relationship to the group even before the child is born. For Example, if three people are involved in a Polycule there are actually four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and the relationship between all three together.

A Polycule with four people has eleven relationships built in and so on and so forth. Some relationships may be minor and unnoticed most of the time, and they are all there and anyone of them may unexpectedly become important.

When someone in the relationship becomes pregnant there are all these existing relationships plus new relationships with the pregnancy itself. These develop from the reactions and feelings of each individual has towards the pregnancy. It is safe to say individuals can treat the pregnancy as if adding a new person to the Polycule. Include medical issues, hormonal mood swings, financial upheaval die to one person needing to leave their job at least temporarily near the end of the pregnancy (if the bio mom is employed), household disruption due to someone no longer being able to bend over, push a vaccum, or stand on their feet for long (If the bio mom is a big part of managing the home), frequent doctor visits, preparing your home for a new baby, and acquiring everything a baby needs.

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The reality is the pregnancy becomes the center of life in any relationship. This change in focus changes a lot of factors. For example, attention and time are the two factors that impaired significantly with a new baby. It is a very different kind of NRE, and it will not hit everyone at once.

If you would like to know more about pregnancy and polyamory watch Therapist Nicki’s presentation from 2019’s Atlanta Poly Weekend panel here.

Learn more about Therapist Nicki here!