The Top Myths about Lust and Love and How They can Ruin Your Sex Life (Part Two)

In this article, Certified Gottman Therapist Dr. Cheryl Fraser continues to debunk love life ideas that you’ve got to be in the mood and that great love “just happens.”

The post The Top Myths about Lust and Love and How They can Ruin Your Sex Life (Part Two) appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

Celebrating The Birth Of A Mother

By Jessica Fahrenholtz

Motherhood is natural, so it is supposed to come easy, right? 

Before having children of my own, there was no doubt in my mind that I would be an excellent mother, but when the realities of postpartum and motherhood set in, all I felt was fear and doubt. 

Pregnancy was rough, but I couldn’t wait to hold my baby. I did everything by the book – no caffeine, no lunch meat – I wanted it all to go and be perfect. Then the day came for my baby to enter the world, and something unexpected happened.

When my daughter was placed in my arms, I didn’t know what to do. This surprised me. Surely motherhood was a natural instinct, and I waited for those primal urges to guide me … for hours, then days, then weeks, and then months… I waited, but all I felt was fear.

Was I holding her right? Was I making enough milk? Was I comforting her too much? I was giving motherhood my all, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was not good enough.  

Becoming a mother is one of the most transformational journeys a woman can make, yet this transition from woman to mother is something we don’t talk about or prepare for. 

When a child is born, so too is a mother. 

I felt unprepared for the postpartum period. No one told me about the emotional ups and downs … about the doubt and fear that comes with being a mother. I expected parenting to be challenging, but I didn’t know I would spend hours rocking my new baby and wondering What is wrong with me? Why am I struggling? 

Motherhood seemed to come so easy to everyone around me, yet here I was, barely keeping it together. To me, that could mean only one thing; maybe I was a bad mom. 

I wish I could say that I quickly found a solution to my insecurity as a mother, but it took another baby to realize I needed help. You see, I was raised in a home where we did not show our emotions. We did not ask for help because needing help was a sign of weakness, and crying was met with a sharp, “dry up!”

I knew I wanted to break that cycle with my children, but I found myself demonstrating precisely what I wanted to break. I was not asking for help despite feeling like I was drowning. I was also afraid to cry and share my emotions because I thought I would be labeled a bad mother. 

Because I was holding it all in, to the outside world, I was fine; I was the perfect mother. Inside, however, I was withering away. My anxieties and fears about being the ideal mother were slowly but surely eating away at the lively and confident woman I once was. 

As a teacher, I knew that the best way to enact change was to lead by example. I knew that If I wanted to raise my children differently, I had to create space for emotion in our home. I had to create an environment where asking for help and making mistakes were welcomed and respected. I had to create an atmosphere of self-love and acceptance. 

How could I tell my children that they were enough, loved, and meant to do great things if I did not love myself and believe in my own self-worth? I knew the change had to start with me.

That meant loving myself. Every part. The stretch marks, the tears, the silly, and the angry. I needed to practice loving every part of me if my children were going to grow up doing the same. This would take action!

So, I started a new routine in our home. For me, it was beginning every morning by writing three things I am grateful for in my life. I try and make one of those things straightforward, the sun on my face or the breeze in my hair. 

I also started ending each night by writing three things I did well that day. These two new habits took me only a few minutes, but their impact was incredible.

Within a week, my entire focus began to shift from I am not enough to I am so grateful for this time with my girls, and maybe I can do this. 

I started to tackle my insecurities, which was a massive step in the right direction, but I wanted to take it a step further and give my children the tools to love and accept themselves no matter who they decided to be. 

I searched for social-emotional resources that I could use at home and stumbled upon Generation Mindful. Their tools gave our family the peaceful and emotionally-supportive structure we needed to thrive. 

Using the Time-In ToolKit from Generation Mindful, I created a calming corner in our home when my daughters were just one and two-years-old. Before they even understood the concepts or could read the words, we would sit in our calming corner, openly talk about our feelings, talk about what they meant, and how to handle them.

The calming corner gave me the gift of an open and honest dialogue with my children about the emotions I was taught to stuff down.

This free space to talk about our emotions is what I always wanted for my kids, but never having it myself, I didn’t know where to start. The tools from Generation Mindful gave me everything I needed to set a positive change in motion for my entire family. 

As the proud mother of a now thriving kindergartner and preschooler, I am grateful every morning for the peaceful and loving home we have built as a family. We are far from perfect, but we are learning together to trust our intuition and love ourselves for everything we are and everything we aren’t.

It may have taken me a little longer than expected, but I now celebrate being a mother. I love myself, and although I am not perfect, I am enough!  

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****Jessica Fahrenholtz is a mother, educator and copywriter. She spent 5 years working as an elementary school teacher before having children of her own. She now uses her passion for education and her love of writing as an educational copywriter.

Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

Time-in Toolkit in action

GENM's positive parenting course

 

That Friday Feeling: Tune In And Just Be

When was the last time you had a moment to yourself? 

As parents, self care may feel like a forgotten art. Yet, part of helping ourselves through challenging parenting moments is to expand our capacity to care for ourselves on a regular basis – which may be in small ways or in small moments. 

Join Selina as she teaches the tool of finger breathing – a effective way to take the time you need during those not so great moments, to love yourself in spite of the edges, and give yourself permission to just be. 

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Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

Time-In Toolkit in action

GENM's positive parenting course

 

That Friday Feeling: It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

We are all working on this parenting thing together. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we become courageous to be with what is and be who we are. And the truth is, it is okay to not be okay. 

Join Selina as she recognizes and honors the individual and collective challenges parents face, and tools for being present. 

When we help make ourselves whole, we do the same for our children, holding space to not to be okay, and loving them (and ourselves) through it.

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Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

Time-In Toolkit in action

GENM's positive parenting course

 

Sesame Street Speaks Up Against Racism

Sesame Street Speaks Up Against Racism

Sesame Street leads the pack on educating children about inclusion, social issues, and kindness, and now, with their newest special, “The Power of We,” they will teach children how to stand up against racism. The special, composed of little skits and songs in a Zoom-like format, will stream on HBO Max and the PBS 24/7 streaming channel on October 15, and air on PBS Kids the same day.

The half-hour special defines racism for younger viewers, shows how it can be hurtful and urges children who encounter racism or hear someone else be the victim of it to call it out directly. “When you see something that’s wrong, speak up and say, ‘That’s wrong’ and tell an adult,” 6-year-old Gabrielle the Muppet advises.

In the song “How Do You Know?” Elmo tackles racism with a friend. “Hey, Elmo, how would you feel if I said, ‘I don’t like you ‘cause I don’t like the color red?‘” sings Tamir, a Black, 8-year-old Muppet. Elmo responds, ”Elmo wouldn’t care what you said ’cause Elmo is proud, proud to be red!”

In another animated skit, a Black Muppet is told by a white Muppet that he can’t dress up like a superhero because they’re only white. Even though feelings are hurt, the Black Muppet refuses to stop playing superheroes, and says that they can come in all colors.

Over the summer, Sesame Workshop – the nonprofit, educational organization behind “Sesame Street”- coupled with CNN for a Town Hall called “Coming Together: Standing Up to Racism.” The Town Hall centered around the nationwide protests after George Floyd’s murder at the hands of Minneapolis police.

“The Power of We” expands on the work the show began over the summer, demonstrating Sesame Workshop’s dedication to incorporating inclusivity in its storylines and diverse cast of Muppets, human cast members, and guest stars.

“Sesame Street has the ability to entertain children while explaining complex issues like no other program and equips families and caregivers with the support they need to have empathetic conversations,” said Kay Wilson Stallings, Executive Vice President of Creative and Production at Sesame Workshop in a statement.

“We believe that this moment calls for a direct discussion about racism to help children grasp the issues and teach them that they are never too young to be ‘upstanders’ for themselves, one another, and their communities.”

Sesame Workshop has included online resources for parents to help guide meaningful conversations around race with their child, including talking, singing, and breathing together. There are also downloadable pictures to color and a certificate with a place to put the name of an upstander.

It’s never too young to be an upstander.

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Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

Time-In Toolkit in action

GENM's positive parenting course

 

To My Girlfriends, I Will Be Back

Girlfriends

To my girlfriends, 

Remember how we used to take in a yoga class, followed by brunch – only to cap it all off with a happy hour? Yeah, me neither. Those days are feeling far, far away

Fast forward to the present day where the text you sent me three days ago sits on my phone marked “read” minus a reply – unless you count the one in my head. 

My lack of time for us has to be frustrating, and I worry that it might even hurt a bit too. At the same time, I know you get it because you’ve been there for me every step of the way, cheering me on as I stepped into a new world, swapping out my high heels for sneakers, and my push-up bras for these sexy little numbers with snaps for easy access.

Despite your patience, I want you to know something …

I care about you, and I miss you. I miss us. 

Honestly, I’m still trying to figure this whole mothering thing out, searching for my new norm and a thing I hear other new moms calling “balance,” though I’m pretty sure this is a unicorn.

Most of my days fly by so fast that by the time things slow down long enough for me to do something for myself, like replying to your text, I’m too tired, so I crawl into bed without brushing my teeth instead. 

Some days, my SuperMom cape is flowing and other days I am touched out before I’ve even finished my first cup of coffee. 

I still have a lot to learn about being a mom and I am still figuring out how to fit myself into the equation. But I am seeing that it’s okay to take time for me. I am getting there, and I will get there for you, too. 

I may have this new role of being a mom, but I haven’t forgotten my role as your friend.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel – a place where my intentions for reaching out to you actually solidify to action. Where I can shed the guilt of leaving my kids, shed the guilt of not being with my friends, and just be me. A beautiful, crazy mix of it all. 

The horizon is near. Dinner dates are in the future, and yea, maybe, even that happy hour, too. 

I promise my friend, I am coming back. 

Thank you for your patience. 

XO, 

Me

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Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

Time-in Toolkit in action

GENM's positive parenting course

Re-Parenting Yourself As You Parent Your Child

By Kobe Campbell

When I hit “order” on my Time-In ToolKit, I was ecstatic. Something that would help my husband and I be more intentional in how we were parenting our two-year-old? Yes, please. As both a therapist and a mom, I was excited.

I imagined a peaceful, serene home where my child felt loved and I felt confident to manage any of the curveballs that might come our way.

And then our ToolKit arrived, and I watched on as my initial excitement morphed into fear.

I hadn’t even started using the tools yet, and I was already doubting myself.

“You are a trauma therapist!” I said shaking my head, working hard to dismiss the fear of failing that gripped me. Yet there is was … fear. 

Fear of doing something new. Fear of not doing it right. Fear of not being enough.

Once I named it, the power my fear had over me started to fade. Slowly, my breathing returned, as did the excitement I felt when ordering our kit.

“This is going to be helpful,” I remember thinking as I opened the ToolKit’s Digital Manual and started to read. It was then I realized the truth behind what Generation Mindful is fond of saying in many different ways in the quotes they feature on Instagram.

This parenting thing? It’s not all about my child — it’s about me and my emotions as well. 

As I started using the Time-In ToolKit to help my son learn about his emotions, I began to re-evaluate how I was showing up for myself.

With every “time-in” my two-year-old and I took together (instead of putting him alone on the steps to scream and cry), it felt like I was re-parenting myself. But this time, with compassion.

Re-Parenting

If the idea of parenting differently or changing the culture in your home fills you with fear, as it did for me, I invite you to join me in remembering the following:

  1. We can offer ourselves the same love and compassion we want to give our kids.

  1. If managing emotions is hard for us as adults, just imagine how hard it is for our children. 
    1. It’s healthy for our children to see us fall; that way they get to watch us pick ourselves up again.

    We are on the same journey that our children are on – living, learning, and growing.

    As you embark on the journey of raising a kind, aware, and emotionally present child, remember that there is a little one wanting to be parented inside of you, too. 

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    Kobe Campbell is a Charlotte-based mom (with another on the way!), trauma-therapist and wellness podcaster. 

    Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

    Time-In Toolkit in action

    GENM's positive parenting course

     

    The Verdict Is In – I’m Numb

    By Selina Armstrong

    I’ve never considered myself a writer, but in light of the events of this week, something in my spirit this morning said, “Get up and write”. So, here I am, writing.  Knowing what I know about the law (from the admittedly limited perspective that I have gained over the years as a police officer’s wife) and what I know about the systems in this country and how they were set up, I am not surprised by the grand jury’s decision in Breonna Taylor’s case. This was the sentiment I saw displayed on much of my newsfeed this week as well.  People were angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, but not surprised. Although, I must admit that I did hold out some hope that this time it would be different, but alas, here we are… again. 

    When I really sat with my feelings and tried to gather some awareness as to what I was feeling, the answer I came up with was numb. This truly hit me at dinnertime when, while having a general conversation, my husband asked my daughter and I what we did that day. I contemplated running through the meaningless tasks I did but I decided to be honest with myself and him and said, “Nothing, it was hard for me to focus today.”

    It was hard for me to focus and be in a space to do anything productive because as a Black woman, I am not okay right now. As a mother to Black children, I am not okay right now. As a police officer’s wife, I am not okay right now. I have come to understand that it is okay not to be okay. 

    A collective trauma has engulfed us in 2020 — from COVID, to racial injustices, to civil unrest — and it takes a toll on your mind, body and spirit. Collective trauma is real, and it has probably affected each and every one of us at some point this year. It is the trauma you felt when you saw George Floyd murdered on national TV.  Although you may not have known him, as a member of the Black community or a member of the ally community or just a member of the human race, you felt for him, for his family and for all of those who bore witness to that horrific display of inhumanity. Although I did not know Breonna Taylor, as a Black woman, my heart hurts for her and her family. That is collective trauma. It is the same collective trauma that police officers feel when an officer gets shot in the line of duty. They may not know that person but they feel for someone who is a part of their community. 

    So what do you do when you are experiencing collective trauma?

    Today, I choose to write. This is what feels right today. Tomorrow something else may feel right and I will continue to explore what that is because living at the intersection of being a Black woman and a police officer’s wife makes it truly difficult to navigate sometimes. At the end of the day, I want what we all want, and that is for our loved ones to return home safely every day. Far too often, violence takes its toll and we are not afforded that basic human right of safety.  

    So today I encourage you to also find what feels right for you. It may be to log off (off of social media, off of the news, off of work, off of interacting with others). It may be to tap into your creative side and write, draw, paint, etc. It may be to call a friend and let it all out or just sit in the silence together because you “get it”. It may be to pray, meditate, move, walk, listen to music, protest, resist, write letters to officials, call your elected officials, register to vote, or cash app a friend $10 for self-care (I’ve been fortunate for friends to do this for me). Whatever feels right to you in that moment, after you have gained some awareness around your feelings, put it into action.  

    Also know that is it ok to do nothing.  Give yourself permission to be and to resist by resting and taking care of yourself. In collective trauma is also an opportunity to build community and as we work to heal ourselves, we heal the spaces we occupy and help heal the people around us.

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    Selina Armstrong is a trauma informed practitioner that has over 20 years experience working with children and families in the areas of education, international development and advocacy.

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    Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

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